Learning How to Die

"She said, 'Friend,

All along I thought I was learning how to take

How to bend not how to break

How to live not how to cry

But really I've been learning how to die

I've been learning how to die' "

This excerpt from one of my favorite song writers has really been on my heart lately.   Recently I have learned how very little of life is about me.  I know we are born into this life thinking only of ourselves as the center of the universe.  Not much else matters to us than our own needs being immediately met.  Sadly, very few of us actually outgrow this way of thinking.   Just being in the midst of raising 5 children ages 12, 10, 4,3, and 2 has really slammed into reality what servitude is :)

So many years of my life were wasted pursuing my own selfish gain.  The years between the ages of about 14- 35 in particular were very self absorbed. It shames me how long that is.   Even though I was married at age 19, I thought very little of what the point of the life God has blessed me with was all about.   I DID think very much about how I looked, what clothes I wore, what car I drove and how others perceived me.  Pleasure was my god.  I took and never thought about giving.  I immersed myself in what the world was telling me what was important.  Although I was a Christian, I thought very little of worship, ministry and even God himself.  I am constantly in awe of the teenagers and young adults I know now.  How so many of them are mature enough to openly love God, go on mission trips and make responsible and sensible decisions at such a hard age.  I don't think I would go back and change any part of my life bc all of my mistakes have shaped who I am.  I guess what I wish most it didn't take me so long to find my place in the eternal plan of God.  I wish I would have been open to the ministry that God was calling me to sooner.

Why the lyrics to the above song mean so much to me is because of my entitlements and expectations that I had for a  life that God did not intend.  So much of what we experience is our Western Christianity are not true problems but more of inconveniences.  I expected to be bent by God but learning how to break was not in MY plan for sure.  Learning to live for God was there but to mourn  how I hurt  Him was too personal and deep.  Only truly tragic people were going to be broken and crying out to God; not me!!  And a life lived dying daily for Christ was not even in the back of mind let alone in the forefront.

Taking in all of the these foster children that are broken even before they can talk is almost too overwhelming for me to take in sometimes.  It's so easy to be bogged down in the little things in life that upset me; piles of laundry, toys all over the floor, dishes in the sink, all of the fighting that now is so prevalent every day.  But in comparison to these babies that have been abused, neglected and damaged beyond belief, my worries pale.  But in reality, the only thing that matters is that I take up my cross daily and live a life for Christ.  That my focus is on the eternal.  And not just my eternal but all of the little souls in my home now.  My witness to them is more important than any Sunday school class I could teach, any bible study I can attend or woman's retreat that I could run away to ( and believe me, most days I would love to run away :)  Life is not playing religion, it's living the gospel.  It's sacrifice, it's James 1:27

"A religion pure and stainless according to God the Father is this: to take care of orphans and widows who suffering and to keep oneself unstained by the world."

That is pretty clear to me.... but so hard to do.  And  believe me when  I say to you that we are no where close to pure religion in our culture.  We have no shortage of orphans that need love and homes or widows who need our time and care.  My heart breaks.....

I am asked all of the time why we do what we do.  That is such a hard question that can only be answered with because we truly want to be obedient to God.  We want to live the ministry that we are called to and not one that is necessarily easy for us.  I don't believe that all are called to do exactly what we do but Christians are called to do something!!   And not just in our church buildings either!!!

When Steve and I took our spiritual gifts "test" at church, combined ours were hospitality and nurturing coupled with spiritual insight and teaching.  We searched within our church for our fit but nothing felt like it was enough.   We stumbled upon fostering and although while we were going through our classes we kept saying that that we weren't sure that we wanted to give up so much to take on the "system" of fostering, we knew in our hearts that this was it!  How we could utilize our gifts to truly serve God.

We are in the thick of our ministry everyday; 24/7 and believe me it's hard!  I love these children with all of my heart but some days I think we have been asked to do too much!!  But have I really been asked more that I can give?  Abraham was asked to kill Isaac on the altar not just hurt him a little; kill the thing he loved the most.  This sad, pathetic little deed I do everyday, although consuming, is still so small.  We want to live a Romans 12 life and especially verses 1:1-2:

"A therefore I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship.  Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is  - His good, pleasing and perfect will."

iPhone Pics

My friend Stacey does this on her blog and since I am more of idea thief than a creative person, I stole it.... Shhhh. don't tell her.

I have so many pictures on my phone that I am running out of storage.  I think I have 1250 right now.  So I thought this was a creative way to save these memories without having to do a post for each one :)

1. Little boy on a hot summer day :)
2. Silly face
3. What my typical evening looks like
4. Yummy pudding

1. Camp Buckner sleeping quarters :)
2. Hospital Visit
3. My boys
4. Ethan's attempt at face painting
5. Isaac riding a turtle...yes, it's real!

Scenes From Around Here

Guess how the dynamic has changed in our house....

I will give you three guesses....


One :)

Two :)

Three  :)

Happy Birthday!!!

I am really not supposed to post these pics but I just couldn't stand it!!  No one really reads this blog anyway ;) Just a few more weeks until we make it official!!

Evan is so sweet and cute.  He is the clumsiest, silliest boy ever.   And even though he is a bean pole, he eats us out of house and home!!!  We love him so much and he has definitely stolen our hearts!!!

I have to add some Evanisms.  He has his own language for sure!!!

- Mommy is "Mommia"
- Lemonade is "waa-waa nade"
- Diet Coke is "Mommia's Waa-Waa"
- Cars and Trucks are "Boo's"
- Lightening McQueen is "Nee-Nee Boo" (Nee-Nee being Lightening and then see previous)
- Mater from Cars is " Uh-Oh" - Did you catch the obsession with "Cars"?
- Chickens are "Bick-Bick"
- Isaac is "Bu-Bo"
- His favorite blanket is "Nuv Nee" aka Lovie
- Fruit Snacks are "Oot Nacks" emphasis on the Oot :)
- Apples are "Aaa-Aaa's"
- Phone is "Pone" which he asks for frequently to play the "Nee-Nee Boo" game

He is totally obsessed with shoes too.  He will change his shoes several times a day and gets so excited if he gets new ones.  If there is someone around that has shiny shoes, watch out!!, he will try to take them off your feet and wear them!!

He also really hates it when I polish my toenails. Every time I do, he says "Uh-oh Mommia.  Boo-boo" and then he proceeds to try and take the polish off.  He is so silly!

There is so much more but I just can't think of them all.  We have been so blessed by this boy.  The meaning of the name Evan is "God is gracious" and He has certainly been gracious to us!!

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!!

Weekend Away

This past weekend Steve and I were able to sneak away for a much needed night away.  We have learned that getting away when you have 4 children in the home is really hard.  Thankfully I have wonderful friends to come to my rescue!!  The big boys (AKA "the bigs") had a great time with the Akin's swimming and eating ice cream!  I don't worry about them at all.  The little boys ( AKA "the littles") I have harder time with.  It's very difficult with  two foster children to find respite.   Thankfully we recently have had some good friends that have become licenced foster parents and it made it so much easier to leave Evan and Hot Rod for the night.

So with all of the boys safely tucked away, Steve and I were able to get in our empty car :) and take off for our 24 hours of alone time.

A friend texted me after we dropped the  boys off and asked if we were finally on our way.  I texted her back a pic of our empty backseat and this unflattering but obviously jubilant picture of us.

I love all of my boys, I truly do but there is no feeling better than knowing that you are only responsible for yourself for a few hours!!   


We found this great little B&B in the middle of nowhere.  It was suggested by the local winery we love to frequent.  It was very cute and peaceful.  There are several cottages but we happened to be the only one staying out there that weekend.

This was the view from our cottage.  

We enjoyed a nice quiet evening at the winery, eating great food, listening to cool music and engaging in  quiet conversation.  Long overdue!

We spent the next day driving around the East Texas countryside looking for a new vineyard and winery that we had not tried before.  Steve loves to explore new wineries and pick their brains about their vineyard and wine making process.

We found this little gem in the middle of nowhere.

This is Red Road Vineyard and Winery in Naples, TX.  What a find for us.  The man in the picture is Merrill.  He is the owner and vintner.  We literally spend almost 3 hours here tasting, talking and touring his place.  It was so nice.  This is exactly what we want to do in a few years.  Our own vineyard and winery set up.  Meeting new people and making great wine.  It's a dream right now but with an acre of grapes already planted and thriving and 10 more on the way, we are getting closer.

We spent the rest of day just driving around enjoying the quiet.  It was so relaxing and great!  I have no idea when we will be able to do this again but we sure did need this!!

Thanks again to our great friends that help us pull this off!  Couldn't do it without you!

Refurbished

My sweet Granny died last year at the wonderful old age of 94.  She was such a big party of my life.  I have never met a more sweet and humble lady.  She was special!!

When it was time to choose our sentimental memento from her house before it was sold, I knew exactly what I wanted.  I held my breathe and prayed no one else wanted it.  Thankfully it was available and I was able to bring it home!!

I just love it.  It's been on my Granny's porch my whole life and was a big part of my mother's as well.  I thought it was beautiful just the way it was but because of years of neglect, it had become very rusty.  I decided to white wash it with some Rustoleum paint.  I wanted it to still look old but give it a bit of a face lift.

Here it is refurbished.  I looks really good on my front porch just like it did at Granny's and hope my kids will enjoy it as much as I did as a child.

Hocus Pocus

I don't want to drag this illness out anymore but I have to share this experience with you because I am in awe of it.  

If you know me well, I am typically very skeptical about medical treatments.  I hate going to the doctor. I hate taking any medicine myself and giving medicine to my kids.  Not because I don't believe it works; I do.  I just think we way over prescribe today.  Got a cough, here's a steroid.  Got a fever, here's a Zpac.  Too many antibiotics and we are immune or allergic.  I believe this is what happened to my middle son.  Six ear infections before 18 months and six antibiotic prescriptions and he is allergic to Penicillin and Erythromycin.   I could be wrong but I strongly suspect it.

But if you know me really well, you know I am even more skeptical about "natural" remedies.  I am NOT saying that natural is not good but I am very hesitant to rub an oil on a staph infection and think it will not spread.  Or stick garlic in any orifice and it pull out infection.  I am not even saying that these remedies don't work, just incredibly skeptical!!!!

All of this to say that when I was told that to cure my vertigo all I needed to do was see an ENT and have a series of head movements to "settle my ear rocks", I was skeptical for sure.  But even more than skeptical, I was desperate.  

I could go into all of the details about how ridiculous it was for me to find an ENT that would take me before the end of June but I am not going to relive my frustration.  Thankfully an fantastic ENT had me on his cancellation list and I was able to go yesterday.  Now mind you I had to live on Gyro Coaster  for 5 days but there was nothing I could do.  

So yesterday morning, my dad drove me to the doctor.  I got in immediately; no wait!  YAY!!  The doctor comes in looks in my ears (which were NOT infected like the PA said on Saturday.  Again antibiotics for nothing), my throat and my nose; always a pleasant experience ;)

He asked me a series of questions about how I felt and confirmed vertigo.  Now.... the hocus pocus part...

He had me fall straight back onto the table 4 times, twice facing opposite directions.  I became terribly dizzy.  He even had a bucket "just in case" I got too sick.  He determined that my left ear seemed to the one causing the most problems by how much my eyes would track after each fall.   His nurse came in and they began to have me do a series of falls and turns with my head.  A succession of turns 6 different times.  The first time I was so sick we had to rest but as he continued to the turns with my head, I felt less and less dizzy so that by the 6th time I was almost back to normal.  WEIRD I know but it worked.  I sat up after that 6th time and was not dizzy at all.  Apparently they have gotten this down to a fine art.  The series of movements forces the ear rocks back down to the bottom of the inner ear.  

If I hadn't been through it, I would have NEVER believed.  But it worked... I am a believer.  No medicine, no drops or ointment.  Just head movements!!

The down side is that I have to wear this lovely neck brace for 48 hours so that I don't move my head back and forth and up and down too fast.  I can only take it off when I take a shower.  Bummer.  And believe when I say no one stares at you when you are wearing a neck brace in public {insert sarcasm}

And I have to sleep sitting straight up for two nights.  I survived last night okay but this is going to be a long 2 more days for sure!!

I am so relieved that my misery is over  for a while anyway.  I was told that once this happens you are very susceptible to it again.  So no more bending over with my head down.  I have to use my legs to squat down and pick things up.

I think my legs needed this kind of work out anyway :)

Ear Rocks

This is what my world has looked like for the past 3 days.  I woke up Saturday morning feeling great.  We were having family pictures taken, my mother-in-law is here for a visit, cousins were coming down for the long weekend and my hubby had a much deserved day off on Monday.

I was leaning over the tub like I do every morning to wash my hair.  When I stood up, the entire room began spinning and I feel over and to the ground.  I lay on the floor with the entire room spinning so fast it was a blur.  I managed to get up off the floor and crawl to the couch in the living room.  Now, I have been dizzy before but never like this.  Not even after getting off a spinning ride at Six Flags.  I made the second mistake of trying to lay down again and got sick to my stomach.  I yelled for Steve who carried me to the bathroom where I proceeded to get VERY sick.  I have never in my life felt like this.  It was scary.  I had no control over my brain or my eyes; my eyes kept trying to track where I was in space.  It was alarming.

I quickly called my dad who has had these symptoms before and he confirmed what Steve had already said, it's Vertigo.  Apparently everyone has these thousands of tiny crystals in their inner ear that are suspended in liquid.  These crystals stimulate nerve cells when we move our heads.  Sometimes these crystals or "Ear Rocks" fall into the ear canal and our brains get confused.  These rocks roll around and tells the brain that you are moving more than you are or Vertigo.

Well, I went to the doctor to see if that was all that was going on.  Of course its a Saturday because no one in my family get sick unless its a weekend or holiday or in this case, both!!  After a very long and dizzy wait, I found out I also had a double ear infection too.   So an antibiotic and 3 other meds that make me very sleepy later, I was home.

I was sick and didn't even know it.  Isn't that like a mom?  Always worried that someone else is sick but totally ignoring any thing that may be going on with you :)

What's hard about Vertigo is that you really can't lay down, it makes it worse.  Of course all of the meds for naseua and dizziness make you so sleepy that you can't hold your head up but you literally have to sleep sitting straight up.  As long as you hold you head perfectly straight between your shoulders, your good.  Sometimes you have to wear a neck brace and believe me I have wanted to.

It's unclear if the ear infection is related to the Vertigo.  It probably is somehow but the doctor said that there doesn't need to be any kind of infection for Vertigo to happen.   It can happen at anytime if those "rocks" get knocked loose.

So here I am 3 days later, better but still dizzy.  I am hopefully going to get appointment with an ENT today.  I have heard from my dad and on several websites that they have a very simple technique of moving your head in certain positions that put those crystals back in place.  I am desperate so I am going!  If I don't, I could stay this way for weeks!!

Crazy!  I never knew.

Boys Will Be Boys.... Not Girls

I posted on my foster/adoption blog about my concerns for the plight of boys in the foster care system. But the problem is not just in the "system". I see boyhood and in turn our future manhood being attacked in general at every turn.

Behaviors that used to be considered normal and acceptable for boys is being labeled " hyper" or "attention deficit". The mere fact that boys by nature from the time they can walk pretend any thing can be a gun is not deviant behavior but God given. The fact that I have seen little boys that had never even seen a gun let alone had a toy one, pretend to bite their PB&J's into a gun is proof if their inherent nature to pretend.

Why is that wrong? Little boys should be able to run wild outside, fight with swords, rescue maidens, get dirty and just play unhindered.

We desperately seem to want boys to "calm down", to play quietly, to sit still. I am sorry, it's just not possible for them. It is outside of their nature.

Statistically, boys are four times more likely to be prescribed Ritalin than girls and three times more likely to be labeled ADD. (www.protectingourboys.org) I read on another site that the 85% of all Ritalin manufactured worldwide is consumed in the United States. Those are staggering statistics.

Our society here in America is trying to feminize our sons. Why? To what end?

Just thinking...

Honored

We just recently had the honor of being recognized on the Buckner blog for our work.  We feel very humbled....

Mentorship: The Best Possible Foster Parent – Biological Parent Relationship

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May 16, 2012
Filed in Foster Care, Weekly Updates from the Experts

Foster Care is a temporary program by design. It’s intended to be a short-term solution to ensure children’s safety and well-being when their biological families are unable to adequately meet their needs. Sometimes, the biological parents are never able to resume care for their children, and placement with extended family members or adoption is pursued. However, there are other times when the system works just as intended.

Today’s blog post is about one of those times, and spotlights a foster family from our North Texas office who was willing to stand in the gap for both the child in care and his biological parents. Read this story below about Trevor (name changed) and consider what your role might be to serve as a foster parent for children like him.

Trevor was placed with his Buckner foster family, Steve and Laura Hill, as a 4 month old infant weighing eight pounds. He had been removed from his biological mother due to allegations of medical neglect. He was a happy, smiling infant. Unfortunately, he rarely cried – always a developmental concern – and he had received numerous medical diagnoses.

As the Hills became more familiar with Trevor and sought out all recommended medical treatments, they began to notice some of the very same signs and symptoms that Trevor’s biological mom had reported to the Department of Families and Protective Services (DFPS) upon removal.

Steve and Laura Hill live near Longview, Texas. They are parents to two biological sons, Ethan, 12, and Isaac, 9, and are dedicated foster parents.

Through several medical appointments, an extended hospital stay, numerous tests and extensive lab work, it was determined that Trevor was a “medical mystery.”

In spite of frequent scheduled feedings, his weight gain was very slow. Laura Hill dedicated many hours to researching Trevor’s condition and documenting daily notes on his progress or regression, depending on the day.

The Hills established a relationship with Trevor’s biological mother and became advocates for her when communicating with DFPS. This family was separated due to the state’s understandable concerns that Trevor had been a victim of medical neglect. However, facts began to show that Trevor’s biological mother had sought medical attention for him, but he failed to improve 

Steve and Laura embraced Trevor’s mom and offered her support. They also made an agreement with DFPS that when Trevor was returned to his biological mother as a “monitored return,” they would be available to Trevor and his mom to help ensure she had the support she needed in caring for Trevor.

Today, the two families are in frequent contact with one another, Trevor’s medical needs are being closely monitored and an enduring friendship has formed through Steve and Laura’s mentorship of Trevor and his family.

What are your thoughts about connecting to biological families?

Debbie Sceroler is the foster care and adoption program director for Buckner Children and Family Services in Longview, Texas.

Accordion to Isaac

My sons..... What can I say but that they are most definitely different. They are very unconventional and eccentric for sure.

Why they end up liking what they do is still a fascinating mystery to me. Isaac for sure is random. Thus we can him "Random Man". His likes are anywhere from guns and swords, to art and music to sewing ( he took a sewing class last summer and was the only boy. He loved that :).

Alot of what he is influenced by is what he sees on tv. We are huge Nightmare Before Christmas fans. It started for me and Steve in college and we have passed the love for all things Tim Burton to our sons. Well this year we were watching this for the thousandth time over the holidays when Isaac decided he wanted to play the accordion. Most of the music in the movie has a minor key feel so the accordion is a feature. It also peeked his interest when the boys went to see Weird Al in concert :).  That experience is for a later post!

Well being the music loving family we are, any interest is an instrument shown must be pursued. So we started doing some research.  Steve and Isaac scoured the internet to find one.  Little did we know that a real accordion is actually very expensive.  So we shelved his accordion dreams for a while.  One day, however, Steve was sharing with one of his bosses that Isaac wanted to learn to play the accordion.  Apparently his boss shares the same affinity for randomness and just so happen to still have his accordion from when he was 9 and wanted to learn to play.  He told Steve that he would be glad to have Steve take a look and see if it was something that Isaac may want.  Long story short, it was beautiful and in perfect condition.  So Steve, being the good daddy that he is, traded a coveted gun of his for this 50 year old accordion.

So here we are, a couple of months later and this is what he can do ;)

Now if we can  only find someone who teaches lessons.  Does anyone still do that anymore :)

Through the Lens of Ethan......

Ethan is dying to be movie director someday.  He is constantly caring around a camera and "setting up shots" and arranging scenes for his movie.  He has a script he has written, a cast of characters that include most of his friends, and HUGE aspirations.  He wants to make and produce good quality Christian movies.

Like all kids (and adults alike) Ethan has some huge strengths.  He is very bright, creative, sweet and helpful.  But again, like all human beings, he has a few huge weaknesses too.  One of which is FOCUS!!!  That boy can build a computer from scratch but trying to  get him to focus on any given conversation, is like pulling teeth.  Now I am not saying this to hurt him.  He knows it's a weakness of his and he does truly try to work on it as well as any preteen can.

One thing he can truly focus on is photography and film making.  He seems to be truly gifted as this.  He has one a couple of  blue ribbons at photography competitions and really loves it.   I have often wondered are you good at something and that is what makes it interesting to you or are you interested and then you learn how to be good at it.  How do you know that movie making is something that you can be good at?  Maybe it starts with being bossy ?  Then I should be famous by now :)

I just wanted to share some of the random shots Ethan has taken over the past couple of months.  He had a contest he was going to enter and we missed the deadline with all of the foster care craziness that went on here in the months of February and March.  He has been understanding about all of that so I had to post them somewhere :)
Now these are not "finished" shots as Ethan says.  He has not Photoshopped them yet.  I still think they are fabulous.

Our backyard at sunrise

Ethan loves texture shots. 

I wanted to post a preview of his movie but he said it was not ready for preview yet :)

Hunting

Not our usual hunting weekend.  We actually didn't kill anything this time.  Well, we did put a little chocolate out of its misery.

We had our 3rd annual Easter egg hunt with our little church a couple of Saturdays ago.  It's always so fun to go hang out with our church family.  This was Evan's first egg hunt.  Not much to really explain but lots of pics:

The basket concept confused him a bit

His solution... dump all of them out

And pick them all back up by hand

Whatever works I guess

Ethan thought maybe 12 was too old to hunt eggs until Isaac reminded him that there would be candy :)

Loot!!!

Then I got roped into a 3-legged race with Ethan.  And yes.... he is taller than me

And wouldn't you know, we WON!

Then it was Isaac's turn.  We weren't so fortunate in our race.  I forgot Isaac was left handed and so we literally got started off on the wrong foot.

Not too old for the hula hoop competition either since there was more candy to be had.

Egg toss was great this year.  Plastic eggs = no mess

Goofy boys... all three of them :)

Hoppiness

Well our New Zealand Whites finally had their babies.  All of their babies.  All 22 of them.  Which seems like a lot but when you know that one female NZ can birth up to 14 kits at a time, I am okay with the number for our first time breeding them.

Now I know this may shock and horrify you but our rabbits are being bred for meat.  Yes, we are actually going to eat them.  I know this sounds disgusting to some of you but in most "cultured" countries, rabbits are a delicacy.  To be honest, it grosses me out a bit too :)  Now we have chickens too that we get eggs from everyday (well, most days!) and I have no problem at all thinking about killing and eating them because chickens are ugly and totally FREAK ME OUT!!  They look at you with their crazy bird eyes and I can tell they are plotting against me.  I am not sure what they are going to do since all they do is beg for food but I can tell that they are devious, conniving little creatures. They are just waiting for the chance to jump me and peck my eyes out.   It's like they now that they are what my nightmares are made of.  Kinda like the movie right?

 But... I digress...

Back to the bunnies.  Although they are significanlty cuter than chickens, cows, and pigs, we are still planning on placing them on the menu if a few short weeks ;)

Some interesting facts about rabbits that I have learned in the last week.  Rabbits have a gestation period of about 23 days.  Can you believe that ? The only breed of rabbits that have kits that are born with fur and can hop within minutes of birth is the Jackrabbit.  Most breeds have kits that are hairless and have eyes that stay closed for up to 3 weeks after birth.  Rabbits have the richest milk of any mammal so the kits only nurse once a day for only 2-3 minutes.  Oh, baby rabbits are called kits and when the female gives birth it's called "Kindling".   They can be ready to breed again about 45 days after the birth of a litter.  Guess that's where the old adage comes in :)  You know the one I am talking about !!1  And kits are weened within about 30 days after birth and can be ready for slaughter after 90 days.

I know more about rabbits than I care to admit now.

Here are some pictures of our litters...

These are 2 days old

4 days old

 6 days old. 

 They are already getting their white fur and are moving all over the cage even though they can't see.  They would look like little rats if they didn't have those cute little ears.

Life on a small little farm is crazy busy!  We love it though.  Next time I will have to update family pics, chickens, garden and vineyard.  All seem to be growing like crazy :)